Making Chelm Great Again

A Satire

Note: In Ashkenazi Jewish folklore, Chelm functions as an imaginary town of fools. The following piece, which I wrote in February of 2017 after Trump’s election, continues in that tradition. It was originally published in The Forward in their community blog, which they compassionately created in order to burden the pockets of their writers with less money.

I recently remembered I had written this and thought I would share it again here. I am hoping we are ready to laugh a little now with that particular nightmare behind us, though of course this tale still applies to many xenophobia manipulating con artists today.

Making Chelm Great Again

Lately, the people of Chelm had been afraid. A number of townspeople, afflicted by poverty and unhappiness, had taken to quarreling, drinking, petty crime, and even street brawls — there had been a particularly bad fight between the Guild of Shoemakers and the Guild of Tanners. There were yet no guns in Chelm, thank God, so the gangs fought with tools — hammer, screwdrivers, rulers, whatever they could get their hands on. There had been serious injuries.

Efraim Shtusser, the chief of police and head of town council, called a meeting with the town wise men — Shmerel the Ox, Silly Tudras, and Dopey Lekisch. “We must do something about all of this bad behavior and violence,” Efraim told the wise men. “Just yesterday my own son, Shmuly Shtusser, was hit in the head with a monkey wrench and had to take to bed for the day.”